Sunday, February 24, 2013

Fear Factor

Since beginning my awesome journey being single again, I have done some pretty exciting and amazingly daring things. I've faced some of my biggest fears, like eating alone in a restaurant, riding a motorcycle and traveling alone. I've conquered my fear of heights by free falling from a 10 story platform, twice. But today...this morning... I did something that totally scared the hell out of me. Something that I would never openly volunteer for.

I knew that I was going to be an Oblationer today in church. Ok, no biggie, I've done that before. Although last week I made an ass of myself and practically sprinted down the isle leaving my partner behind not even realizing it until I heard a voice behind me whisper loudly, "Hey you! Slow down!" And no, it wasn't the voice of God, it was my partner. I'm surprised she didn't kick me in the ass sending me sailing to the altar.

But this morning I was asked by my dear friend Gail to do the first reading. Not really thinking about it, I said yes....then I wanted to throw up. I am not a public speaker. I do not like to stand in front of any size crowd and speak, much less read. It had been more than 20 years, high school, since I had spoke in front of any crowd. So I did some major fast praying. I prayed that I would not trip and fall or stumble over unfamiliar words. I prayed that I wouldn't forget to bow at the altar. But most of all that God would give me the strength to be able to stand up and start walking in the first place. So, I did it. It terrified me and I'm sure that it showed. But I'm really glad that she asked me to do it. Just one more fear I can say I've conquered I'm working through.  

Thursday, February 14, 2013

6 Reasons Valentine's Day Sucks

Valentine's Day. Just another gift giving holiday. Another day to spend obscene amounts of money for this one day reserved for that four letter word...L.O.V.E. But what message are we really trying to convey to our loved ones? "Honey, I know I've been a complete jackass the last 364 days. Here's a shitty box of chocolates and a cheap teddy bear to make up for it. And Sorry about those flowers. I forgot you were allergic to those purple things. Maybe the swelling in your eyes will go down enough to see them before they die." Don't get me wrong, I love getting gifts just as much as the next girl. But tell me, wouldn't it be awesome if your significant other sent you a fabulous gift on some random day like March 6th for no other reason than the fact that he just saw two old people making out and he thought about the two of you and your future together and it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Ok, I know, the old people making out was a little far-fetched and *ehem* gag worthy. And rarely do men get all warm and fuzzy. But you get where I'm coming from, right? 

 So I have collaborated a list of 6 reasons that Valentine's Day sucks. Or at least sucks for me.

1. The color pink. And red. And any shades of pink and red. And the shades of pink and red together. These colors DON'T go together, they clash. Forget trying to wear these colors. If I wore pink, I would just look like a bag of fluffy pink cotton candy. Then you have the Valentines outfit garb. You know what I'm talking about, the annoying shit that retailers put out once a year that can only be worn on that particular holiday. Then you have to find a place to store it the other 364 days of the year, unless you run out of clean socks and underwear and you are forced to wear said garb. At which point you pray that no one sees you wearing Valentine's socks in July. Or God forbid you are ever in an accident and the doctor has to cut your pants off leaving your exposed Valentines underwear wearing ass exposed in mid September.

2. Lent. What did I give up for lent? Sweets. What is a major icon of Valentines? Sweets! Because I have a crazy bad obsession with sugar, if I know it's within arms reach I will snatch it up and woof it down before I even realize what's happened. Of course today everyone is bringing in chocolates and pie and cookies. It's taunting me. I can hear it, "Just one bite. That's all you have to do is take just one bite." But those large boxes of mystery chocolates are pretty awesome, right? I mean, who doesn't love biting into umpteen dozen pieces of chocolate oozing with pink goo. Chocolates with names like Maple Cream and Aspen Cream. Aspen Cream? Ass.pen.cream? Ass cream? 

3. Abbreviation for Valentine's Day? VD! YIKES! How can you like a holiday that shares the same abbreviation as a contagious sexually transmitted disease? Nothing like the thought of syphilis or gonorrhea to put the romance back into Valentines. Can you imagine the confusion if a man sent a text to a woman using those acronyms? Man:"Sweetie, what are we gonna do for VD?" Woman: "What? What bitch gave you VD? I'm gonna kick your A...." 

4. Stupid Cupid. Does anyone else see the problem with a chubby naked man-child flying around in a diaper shooting poison arrows at people to make them fall in love? There is an easier way Cupid! It's called Roofies and Ecstasy!   

5. Flowers. I absolutely dreaded Valentine's Day in school. Florist must have camped at the school the night before unloading a gazillion flowers and balloons. The morning intercom announcer would practically spend all day calling out names of students to come to the office and pick up their loot. So you sit and you wait for your name to be called, "please call my name" while students filed out of class rooms down breezeways to the office. What sucks worse than being one of the only kids that didn't get flowers the day of Valentines? Being the only kid at school that got flowers the day after Valentines. Yes.I.did. The florist forgot to deliver the flowers from my dad and I got them the day after. This was beyond humiliating. 

6. Being alone on Valentines. As if those other reasons weren't bad enough, being alone for Valentine's takes the cake (ugh, I want cake). If your single, you can't go out alone. Why not just wear a huge sign saying "Look at me! I've got No One!" So, you sit at home and watch some sappy movie like The Notebook or Valentine's Day with your monstrous bag of popcorn and think about the fact that pretty soon 30 more Valentine's Days will eventually go by and you will die....alone. It's no wonder that St. Valentine's Day is associated with a massacre. 

                     Happy VD Suckas!